When Chris was much younger, he had a girlfriend who left him for another man. After that woman married her new man, Chris’s mentor said to him, “All marriages end via death or divorce. They won’t be together forever, so don’t be sad.” Now Chris is in his late 40s and his wife passed away after a very long illness. His heart is grieving, and he is trying to figure out how to move forward with his life. But he thinks he would either stay at home until the grief disappears over time or break a woman’s heart by dating her without knowing what he is doing due to his grief. He is confused and needs help.
- There are various shades of gray.
As a matter of fact, Chris has created 2 extremes in his mind – staying at home doing nothing while waiting for the grief to disappear OR breaking a woman’s heart. But that is black-and-white thinking which is probably caused by trauma. In life, so much more is possible because there are many shades of gray.
Don’t ignore the gray area because it’s a very important area in life.
My advice for Chris is to focus on being in a mode of doing all these tiny little things which could possibly add up. Chris would be well-advised to prioritize community-building (forming new friendships and breathing new life into old friendships), which could be the basis for his new life now. I understand that Chris had a challenging time as he was a caregiver for years. However, now he has much more energy and time for activities that might have been neglected previously. Therefore, currently Chris is planning to have an international trip. He hasn’t travelled for almost 9 years.
- Let’s imagine the garden of your life!
If you are keen to start a new chapter of your life, please imagine the garden of your life: Perhaps there are plants (other areas of your life) that you haven’t watered for a long time because of other priorities in life. Do you know how amazing some neglected plants can be if they have your attention/if you begin to water them? Now let’s think about other parts of your life (hobbies, experiences, new relationships….) These areas of your life are also paramount! What’s more, when you expand your world by having more international trips, you will probably wake up to a stunning garden and discover some new plants in it.
By the way, my suggestion for Chris isn’t about ignoring his grief or his process. In fact, it’s simply about making sure that grief isn’t the only plant in his garden now. Little things add up. He doesn’t have to create a miracle. All he needs to do is to do little things now which will lead to a different place in the future.
“It turns out that international trips are healing experiences for a lot of people.”
